Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: My Epilogue

Tonight I finally got around to re-watching Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2. Several of my earlier complaints about it still stand – namely two: The whole “let’s finish this the way we started it, Tom” thing (ugh WHY); and the epilogue, which makes me throw up in my mouth a little, both in its written and its visual forms.

Because the thing about the epilogue is that it reads like fanfic of the very worst kind, the kind with Mary Sues and Gary Stus abound. Seriously, it could have been written by a 12 year old fangirl. Here’s pretty much what will happen after the new Potters and Weasleys and Malfoys board the Hogwarts Express (please note that this list is not exhaustive):

• Albus Severus is the first ever Hogwarts student to be put in two houses at the same time. He’s both a Gryffindor AND a Slytherin. This of course also means that he can play for both Quidditch teams, using a time turner to be able to play against himself when the two house teams face off against each other.
• Lily Luna mysteriously develops colour-changing eyes, which by old wizarding lore signifies great talent for absolutely everything.
  

  Suck it, Hermione - Lily Luna is in da hooouse!

• Snape’s illegitimate son shows up unexpectedly, he may or may not be the result of a drunken night Snape and the female Carrow had shortly before the Battle of Hogwarts. God only knows where she has been hiding the kid up until now. Love triangle between Snape Jr., Lily Luna and Hugo Weasley ensues.
• Albus Severus with friends (probably named the New Marauders or Marauders 2.0) are daring each other with bungee jumping from the Hogwarts bridge, when one of them spots one of the pieces of the Elder Wand.
• Rose Weasley uses her super awesome library skills to scrounge up information on how it ended up there and where the other piece might be (considering Harry’s throws, I’d say it’s a few meters away from the first one, but what kind of adventure would THAT be?).
• The gang go on an adventure to find it. They do find it. Lily Luna then uses her excellent skill of EVERYTHING to mend it.
• With the newly mended Elder Wand, Albus Severus can also be awesome at everything. At least everything that requires a wand.
• Since no one can ever be as awesome as Albus Severus and Lily Luna combined, they assume the family name of Dragonborn and marry each other, Targaryen-style. Because seriously, no fanfic is complete without at least one crossover.
• Ok, one more point to complete all obligatory points of a HP fanfic: James Sirius and Scorpius Hyperion turn out to be madly in love with each other. Thus ends the long, proud Malfoy bloodline.

THE END.